**When Bobbers doesn't get sleep:
I realize some people need their sugar fix. Don’t get me wrong, if that’s how you roll, so be it. I don’t have a problem with that, just as long as you take your bicycle to open garages. I DO have a problem with trying to burglarize locked garages. I know I know, sometimes you’ve just got to have the cookie.
To D-Bags: But if that’s the case, you don’t need to A.)tell someone you don’t care about cookies and get pissed when they don’t bake you any right away or B. )try to convince someone to bake quick-bread who blatantly is not down for baking with packaged mix. Sure if you enjoy their company, be friends and go get your cookies elsewhere. That’s very respectable and absolutely nothing wrong with that. I promise they’d rather that than you fucking with them by doing the following:
Situation 1: The Retarded Way
Asking if they would like to be cooking (not baking) partners while you’re in the midst of cooking. . . it’s much much easier to convince someone to bake once they’re comfortable in the kitchen. Surely even the densest of a person will wonder why you’re asking to be official cooks when you’re already in the kitchen.
Situation 2: Easy-Bake Oven Route
Of a more ivy-league-esque approach is asking for offical cooking partnership shortly after meeting each other, but not whilst cooking. This is generally effective considering it takes a legitimate effort to cook. Smart method: of course the person will assume you must actually want to cook or else you wouldn’t be committing to such a role(mwahahha). . . . WRONG. Give it a week or two and: “Oh shit, this isn’t an easy bake oven” and you really don’t feel like waiting for the regular oven now do you?
Situation 3: Too Much Snot In Your Life
The slyest, most covert, and most effective way to fuck with someone is chilling in the kitchen with them for a while. Assuring them you don’t care about baking, and you want so badly to cook with them. No dessert is A okay with you. But all of a sudden while you are making a meal, you urgently must smoke/relieve your diarrhea/ pick your nose/whatever lame-ass excuse. I give two examples:
Situation 3A. ) Uh oh, you feel the gurgles coming on. You have to poop. Of course you knew you’d have to poop eventually, but whatever, cooking is fun in the moment. You know you’re only staying until nature calls, and then you’re gone like a bat out of hell. You’ve got better things to do. Who cares what your cooking companion thinks. They can deal with the mess on their own, because sitting on the toilet is a lot more fun than clean up duty. You alert your partner you have diarrhea and disappear off the face of the earth.
Situation 3B. ) Oh god, must pick nose! Humongous snot suddenly appeared in your life! . . . Wait, didn’t you always have snot? Won’t you always have snot? And doesn’t everyone have snot? Why yes, yes, and yes. But you also have a major sugar craving which this nutritious cooking stuff just isn’t fulfilling, and that is making your snot feel unrealistically large. Perhaps you should’ve thought of your sugar needs before you made this person think you soooo badly wanted to enjoy healthy dinner with them. Oh but poor you, you’ve got this honkin’ booger that’s really clogging your life. And not enough hands to pick your nose and cook at the same time. Who cares if you’ve spent all this time cooking a meal, when you’ve got a fucking booger (and a fucking sugar craving which you can never admit because then you will have been lying). You must leave the kitchen at once! You proclaim that you just don’t have enough hands to cook and fiddle with your nostrils. You must go ASAP, despite the fact you really wish you could stay for the meal since your cooking buddy is “such a great cook.” You supposedly care so much about this meal but really, you’ve got to deal with this exceptionally large volume of green shit in your nose. Clean nose is significantly more important than a meal. Plus there’s no way the possibility of a cookie here is worth all of this nutritious cooking. You take off like a rabid skunk, not giving a rat’s ass how the meal turned out… Cuz you’re heading to the nearest bakery! Delicious cheap, labor-free cookies that’ve been fondled by lord knows how many hands. No matter though, still satisfies your craving. Oh wow, ironically your booger issue seems to have disappeared since you left the kitchen. . . no finger interference necessary.
Okay, now some aftermath situations:
Situation 1: Disappear off the face of the planet/ avoidance. Believe it or not, this is actually the most favorable of routes. All trust is lost after aforementioned horndog behavior is executed, so least communication is best.
Situation 2: After being intimate for (1week/months/whatever the time period was), suddenly cut your conversations to things you’d ask a three year old: i.e. “What are you eating?”, or, “You have an avocado” all the while pretending you’re deeply interested in the conversation.
Situation 3: Ignore person/ make eye contact but don’t speak. This behavior may cause your respectability to be lowered to less than a dog’s. This is especially horrible when you’re with a friend who greets the person, but you don’t. This action elicits the person’s friends to want to chop of your penis. Also elicits the person, if presented with the option of fucking you or a dog, to choose fucking the dog.
But actually I would like to thank d-bags in my life for reinforcing my views of refusing cheaply packaged stuff. I only bake homemade thank you very much. Quickbread doesn’t taste anything like warm, fresh, homemade banana bread baby . . . and if poor baby just has too much snot in your life or can’t wait for the oven, enjoy the bakery. Mmmm stale doughnuts. Homemade goods for nice patient boys only. Piss off douchebags.
And while I'm at it....what kind of man makes a girl walk back by herself, in the dark....after you frickin tell her to "go now" or spend the night. Especially after a hand/blow/whatever job. This suggests homosexuality. Perahps you make her walk home alone because you subconciously wish she was a man and didn't want to be walked home. Escort the lady asshole!
In conclusion, I wish to all the assholes and horndogs of the world lots of diarrhea and boogies. So charming of me J
I feel better, time to get back to studying, tra la la lol
-Bobbers
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